i’m going to say something before i put the title and lyrics here~

basically, i haven’t written a song for just about the past six months. i’ve had this awful and perhaps not-so inexplicable writer’s block, and almost no will to perform, to play piano, anything. i’ll listen to music or have an experience, get inspired, sit down at my keyboard and feel totally lost. i’ll form an idea for some lyrics, try to get it on paper, and all of a sudden it’ll seem incredibly dumb. i wrote this song last summer and one of my friends has been begging for it, and even though i don’t even really play guitar, i decided i’d give it a shot anyway.

this isn’t a recording i’m particularly happy with. i’m not happy with my vocals in some places, my computer’s fan is whirring really loudly, my guitar “playing” is all over the place and embarrassing because i haven’t picked it up in months and i never even got a hang of these chords in the first place, and it’s just not close to my best. but i’m really trying to come to terms with the fact that not every performance, not every song i write, not every note i sing, is going to be perfect. i’m 99% sure that my writer’s block stems from me afraid to write something bad or stupid. i don’t let myself learn, because i don’t let myself make mistakes. i stop creating something before i start, and i’m never going to grow as a songwriter, singer, pianist, learning guitarist, if i don’t let things come naturally.

so that’s what this is. this is me saying, it’s okay, the world isn’t going to end because this recording isn’t your crowning achievement in life. it’s okay to work hard on something that maybe, in the end, isn’t going to be great; you’ll take note of its failures and learn from the experience, either way. and since i had written this song with a friend in mind, i know at least one person will be happy to hear it — and for now, i think that’s good enough reason to put it up.

“Save His Soul”

time/fades away/so soft/in a ribbon of grey./time/walks alone/wanderlust/for a place called home./who ever thought that it’d be us/plucked from the fire, turned into dust/who ever thought that it’d be you/such a sorry truth/we’re such a sorry truth./there’s things in this life we can’t escape/so i’ll cry till dawn and smile when you wake/and i’ll be there/praying, “lord, save his soul.”/there’s a ghost up there who knows what i’ve done/and i’ll always be the guilty one/who was blessed with/oh, someone to hold close./time/day by day/still believes/we’ll be saved./time/doesn’t know/what it’s like/to be loved so./who ever thought that it’d be us/plucked from the fire, turned into dust/who ever thought that it’d be you/such a fate to choose/such a fate to lose./there’s things in this life we can’t escape/so i’ll cry till dawn and smile when you wake/and i’ll be there/praying, “lord, save his soul.”/there’s a ghost up there who knows what i’ve done/and i’ll always be the guilty one/who was blessed with/oh, someone to hold close/i’m the damned one/given miracles.

this is a song i wrote and recorded summer 2010.

“The Fight, the Fall & the Finish”

well, i’ve been thinking lately
about what this means
for you and me
about existentialism
and family

excuse me if i’m too bold
but this whole thing is getting old
and i’m tired of waiting
convincing my friends
that’s it’s all okay, and

no, i don’t need the truth
and i don’t need an excuse
i don’t want a helping hand
i just need some understanding
so i’m sorry if i’m harsh
but i’m wondering how we even got this far
‘cause the smoke’s cleared
and no one knows where you are
no one knows who you are, anymore

well, i’ve given some thought
to exactly what i’ll do
when everything i prove
stops being enough
to existentialism
and what it has to do with
all of us

excuse me if i’m too bold
but i believed what i was told
and i’m sick of complaining
breaking down the walls
of cynicism by myself

this is the fight, the fall,
and the finish.

no, i don’t need the truth
and i don’t need an excuse
i don’t want a helping hand
i just need some understanding
so i’m sorry if i’m harsh
but i’m wondering how we even got this far
‘cause the smoke’s cleared
and no one knows where you are
no one knows who you are, anymore

we spent so much time half-asleep
i guess you prefer the dream to reality
and i can’t really blame you for that
i can’t confront you, or make you feel bad
we spent so much time missing this
i guess now you must take it for granted
and i can blame you for that
but i hate making people feel bad

no, i don’t need the truth
and i don’t need an excuse
i don’t want your helping hand
i just need some understanding
so i’m sorry if i’m harsh
but i’m wondering how we even got this far
‘cause the smoke’s cleared
and no one knows where you are
no one knows who you are, anymore

this is the fight, the fall,
and the finish.

this is “Arms.” it’s a part of what i call the Body Project; in the same style of “Bones.”

someday i’ll greet the world with open arms
someday i’ll greet the world with open, open arms.
someday i’ll greet the world with open arms
someday i’ll greet the world with open, open arms.
i’m gonna hold the moon inside the crook of my arm
i’m gonna show you everything inside of my heart.
i’m gonna hold the moon inside the crook of my arm
i’m gonna show you there’s nothing inside of my heart.
someday i’ll greet the world with open, open arms.

i want to sink into the floor
wrists on the wall one more time.
i want to see an open door, praying
lord, give me a sign.
i want to be all skin and bones.
i have a heart i’ve never known.
i want to be all bones
and i do not know what to do
i want to be all bones
i’m just a kid, i’m just a kid
i want a place i can call home.
i want to be all bones
i want to be all bones
i want to be all bones
where is the place called home? 

holy wow found this on my old ipod today. i wrote and recorded this song my sophomore year — people used to tell me it should be on the radio. i can’t believe how long it’s been, and how little i’ve actually improved songwriting-wise.

djghklsdjjsadkghl

and yes, that clacky pounding sound is me on the keyboard. the keys were so stiff that i practically had to beat that thing to get it to make any sound. i’m really glad i don’t have to use it anymore.

blah did this in such a hurry blah it’s not one of my proudest moments.

“She Wore Silk”

you’re not alone
but you feel it
you feel it
you’re not alone
and you need it
you need it
and who wants anything but a drink in the hand
smoke in your lungs and someone to steal from
who needs anything but stars in the sky
salt in your eyes and twenty-twenty hindsight

don’t cry, baby
don’t try to fight
fragile, breaking
i’ll get what’s mine

you had it all
but you lost it
you lost it
you had it all
now you want it
you got it
and who wants anything but silk on your skin

a way to forget what goes on in your head
who needs everything, when you’ve already won
and what isn’t lovelier once it’s come undone?

don’t cry, baby
don’t try to fight
fragile, breaking
i’ll get what’s mine

today she let reason blind her again

found a hole in her heart, then one in her head
but she’d sooner be broken then let herself bend
bringing herself to her own bitter end.

so she stood still as stone
a crumbling statue beaten by the wind.